I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
