She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
