he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
