the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
