toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
