You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
