It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
