New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
should my penis look like a turkey
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
