Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
