Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
