if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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