When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
