i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
