just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
