totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
