I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
