If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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