So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
