I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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