I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
