We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
