she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
