I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
