what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
