I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
