Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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