and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
