This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
