Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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