the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You are a genius and a whore.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
