I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
