It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
