I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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