you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
