Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
