If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
