I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
