How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i dont even know how to be here
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
