Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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