he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
