I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
