ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
