I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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