God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
