how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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