I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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