If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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