somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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