Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
