I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
