Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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