last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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